


43 Different Timelines to Consider

by Illuminati



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3501455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illuminati/pseuds/Illuminati
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji?  Ikari Shinji?  Who was that?  His lover?  Brother?  Mother?  Adam.  No, that was silly.  Ikari Shinji is Ikari Shinji.  Who is Ikari Shinji?  Kaworu feels like he’s going around in circles, and maybe he is, because he can feel his bones snapping over and over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	43 Different Timelines to Consider

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: If you are faint of heart, you really shouldn't read this. Like wow.

“Please kill me,” the words were so calm, so simple, but they were like nukes to Shinji, each one making a bigger hole in his body.

But Shinji was made to obey. So he did. There was no scream, no expression of regret, just a sickening crack and then something fell into that orange ocean. Kaworu was gone.

It happened again. Blood spilled. Shinji could feel the liquid like it was on his very own hands, and he could feel the small, fragile body shatter like it was his own. He sobbed.

Again. The red mixed with the orange, like the beautiful sunsets Shinji had watched out of the window. Kaworu’s head was the sun that drifted away before Shinji even realized what it was, what it could be.

_Again._ Someone else was there. No, not someone else. Who was this? Nagisa Kaworu. Was that his name? Or was it Tabris? “Stop! Stop! _Stop!_ ”

_What do you want?_

“What do I want? I want him to stop. I want to stop! Is that an option?” the intruder asks. There is no answer. The words spill out of Kaworu’s, _that_ Kaworu’s mouth again, “Please kill me.”

Again. The intruder is still there, but now he’s with the boy. _He_ is? Do angels even have a concept of gender? “I wish I could make love to you,” the intruder says, and the red seems even more shocking now.

Again, again. The intruder is now arguing with himself. Himself? No, _that_ Kaworu. “Stop it! Don’t you know you’re breaking him? You’re breaking our Shinji!” he says, but _he_ just continues smiling. “Please kill me.” It’s more sickening up close.

Again, again, again! “Isn’t this going too far? I - you think this might be saving him, but then again, it’s only fifty-fifty that he even lives through this, if you call that living. Don’t you love him? Couldn’t you take a chance? Isn’t that love is?” “No.”

_What is love, even?_

“I hate you!” the intruder says fiercely, then throws a punch, then another one, and another one, and Shinji is now far away, and they are on the beach of a deep red lake. That Kaworu keeps dodging, and he is just smiling, and smiling, and smiling.

_What is hate? Is it the opposite of love? Love - hate - it’s all the same._

“ _No!_ ” the intruder yells. He finally lands one of those punches, and he’s happy for a second, but now they’re back with Shinji and that thing. More bones snap, more of that red stuff falls into the orange ocean. He screams as loud as he can, and it happens again, again, and again.

Suddenly, he realizes he isn’t screaming anymore. He is now _that_ Kaworu. In front of him is himself. The intruder. Words are coming from the intruder’s mouth. “Couldn’t you take a chance? Isn’t that what love is?” “No,” he replies, and he does not believe himself. He never believed that.

His vision fades to black when a giant hand - Shinji’s? _her’s_? - constricts around him, and he can feel everything, he can feel himself hit the water, he can feel every drop of blood spilling from the him up there, now separate from the him down here, and it hurt so, _so so so much._ He distracts himself by thinking about his lips on Shinji’s.

Shinji? Ikari Shinji? Who was that? His lover? Brother? Mother? _Adam._ No, that was silly. Ikari Shinji is Ikari Shinji. Who is Ikari Shinji? Kaworu feels like he’s going around in circles, and maybe he is, because he can feel his bones snapping over and over again.

_You don’t even know him. How do you love him?_

“Of course I love him. I was born to meet him. I was born to die by his hands,” he says like it’s obvious, and he didn’t even realize he was also responding to an earlier question, but the intruder is upset by his answer. He is too, but he tells himself that he isn’t.

_Are you sure? He doesn’t know you, either. He doesn’t love you, but he needs you to love him. He needs to think he loves you as well._

“No. I - he loves me. It was meant to be like that, and so it is,” he says, but he’s starting to doubt it too. The muscles in his neck tear, and his shirt does not look white anymore. His head hits the water, and he pretends that he is diving. One day, he would like to go diving with Shinji. Again with that Ikari Shinji person, he thinks.

_If you love him, and he loves him, is this really the right thing to do?_

Kaworu can not think of a way to respond, and instead hums Ode to Joy. He tries to remember all the times he’s listened to it. He instead remember all the times that he’s played it. The two correlate, so he accepts it as an answer as Shinji crushes him again. Ikari Shinji?

He feels like he is falling, but he isn’t, and he is no longer above the orange sea. Above him is a pale ceiling that he is not sure whether he recognizes or not, and below him is something soft and warm. His eyes move sluggishly, and everything looks like it’s lagging. He looks to the right to see Shinji’s back turned to him. Ikari Shinji? _Ikari Shinji?_

In front of him is himself. No, that’s not right. The intruder? That’s not right either. He is the intruder, he remembers. A third Nagisa Kaworu, then? This Kaworu has a cat on his shoulder. The Kaworu lying next to that boy cannot move. That boy’s name was Ikari Shinji, right? I don’t remember anymore.

This new intruder leans forward, but not to himself, to Shinji. Kaworu cannot do anything, not even scream - as much as he tries to, as he strangles Shinji. This isn’t right. This isn’t right, this isn’t right, this isn’t. Ikari Shinji?

The cat and that Kaworu disappears. Shinji is still alive, it seems. Now, he does know that ceiling. He is able to flex his fingers. Kaworu slowly regains his ability to move, and he rolls over to put his arms around Shinji. “Kaworu?” the boy asks.

“I wanna be with you forever, and ever, and ever,” Kaworu says happily, nuzzling Shinji’s soft, nearly black hair, and puts a light kiss on his cheek. He giggles, which makes Kaworu grin. “Me too,” says Shinji. Ikari Shinji.

They stay like that for a few minutes, in comfortable silence, and Kaworu notes the sunlight streaming through the curtains. “Did you have a bad dream?” Shinji finally asks, looking back at the other.

“Yes, I think so. It’s alright now, though,” Kaworu replies, but he knows that he’s lying.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think I've ever written anything so confusing before. : D


End file.
